Assertiveness
Assertiveness is a social skill that relies heavily on effective communication while simultaneously respecting the thoughts and wishes of others.
Assertive people can clearly and respectfully communicate their wants, needs, positions, and boundaries.
No matter the topic, there's usually no question about where they stand.
Assertive people don't shy away from defending their points of view or goals or from trying to influence others to see their side.
They react to positive and negative emotions without becoming aggressive or resorting to passivity and are open to compliments and constructive criticism.
From a cognitive standpoint, assertive people experience fewer anxious thoughts, even under stress.
From a behavioral standpoint, assertive people are firm without being rude.
Assertive Behavior
It's not always easy to identify truly assertive behavior.
This is because there's a fine line between assertiveness and aggression. Unfortunately, people can often confuse the two.
For this reason, it's useful to define the two behaviors so that we can separate them:
Assertiveness is based on balance.
- It requires being forthright about your wants and needs while still considering the rights, needs and wants of others.
- When assertive, you are self-assured and draw power from this to get your point across firmly, fairly, and with empathy.
Aggressive behavior is based on winning.
- You do what is in your best interest without regard for other people's rights, needs, feelings, or desires.
- When you're aggressive, the power you use is selfish. You may come across as pushy or even bullying.
- You take what you want, often without asking.
The Benefits of Being Assertive
One of the main benefits of being assertive is that it can help you become more self-confident as you better understand who you are and the value you offer.
Assertiveness provides several other benefits to help you in your workplace and other areas of your life. In general, assertive people:
Make great managers.
- They get things done by treating people fairly and respectfully and are treated by others similarly.
- This means that they are often well-liked and seen as leaders that people want to work with.
Negotiate successful "win-win" solutions.
- They change the value of their opponent's position and quickly find common ground with him.
- They feel empowered to do whatever it takes to find the best solution to their problems.
- They are self-assured and don't feel threatened or victimized when things don't go as planned or expected.
The Risks of Being Assertive
Some organizational and national cultures prefer people to be passive and may view assertive behavior as rude or offensive.
Research has also suggested that gender can affect how healthy behavior is perceived, with men more likely to be rewarded for being powerful than women.
So, it pays to consider the context in which you work before changing your behavior.
However, this doesn't mean you should succumb to the status quo! Instead, be bold while avoiding naivety.
Experiment with small steps until you find what works for you in your workplace.
Assertive vs. aggressive behavior
If your style is aggressive, you may come across as a bully who disregards the needs, feelings, and opinions of others.
You may appear self-righteous or superior.
Very aggressive people humiliate and intimidate others and may even be physically threatening.
You may think that being not very nice gets you what you want.
However, it comes at a cost.
Aggression undercuts trust and mutual respect.
Others may come to resent you, leading them to avoid or oppose you.
Assertive vs. passive-aggressive behavior
If you communicate in a passive-aggressive manner, you may say yes when you want to say no.
You may be sarcastic or complain about others behind their backs.
Rather than confront an issue directly, you may show your anger and feelings through your actions or negative attitude.
You may have developed a passive-aggressive style because you're uncomfortable being direct about your needs and feelings.
What are the drawbacks of a passive-aggressive communication style?
Over time, passive-aggressive behavior damages relationships and undercuts mutual respect, thus making it difficult for you to meet your goals and needs.
Learning to be more assertive
People develop different styles of communication based on their life experiences.
Your style may be so ingrained that you're unaware of what it is.
People tend to stick to the same communication style over time.
But suppose you want to change your communication style.
In that case, you can learn to communicate healthier and more effectively.
Here are some tips to help you become more assertive:
Assess your style
- Do you voice your opinions or remain silent?
- Do you say yes to additional work even when your plate is full?
- Are you quick to judge or blame?
- Do people dread or fear talking to you?
- Understand your style before you begin making changes.
Use 'I' statements
- Using "I" statements lets others know what you think or feel without sounding accusatory.
- For instance, say, "I disagree," rather than, "You're wrong."
- If you have a request, say, "I would like you to help with this," rather than "You need to do this."
- Keep your requests simple and specific.
Practice saying no
- If you have difficulty turning down requests, try saying, "No, I can't do that now."
- Don't hesitate — be direct.
- If an explanation is appropriate, keep it brief.
Rehearse what you want to say
- If it's challenging to say what you want or think, practice typical scenarios you encounter.
- Say what you want to say.
- It may also help to write it out first, so you can practice from a script.
- Consider role-playing with a friend or colleague and ask for direct feedback.
Use body language
- Communication isn't just verbal.
- Act confident even if you aren't feeling it.
- Keep an upright posture, but lean forward a bit.
- Make regular eye contact. Maintain a neutral or positive facial expression.
- Don't cross your arms or legs. Practice assertive body language in front of a mirror or with a friend or colleague.
Keep emotions in check
- Conflict is hard for most people.
- Maybe you get angry or frustrated, or maybe you feel like crying.
- Although these feelings are normal, they can get in the way of resolving conflict.
- If you feel too emotional going into a situation, wait a bit, if possible.
- Then work on remaining calm. Breathe slowly. Keep your voice even and firm.
Start small
- At first, practice your new skills in situations that are low risk.
- For instance, try out your assertiveness on a partner or friend before tackling a difficult situation at work.
- Evaluate yourself afterward and tweak your approach as necessary.